Not feeling human.

During lockdown I've decided to express the feelings of not feeling human or 'womanly' enough into something.

A constant feeling that swirls around and no one is ever really going to understand. The constant pressure of pretending to be fine with a situation or that the chronic pain isn't really that bad. Going through life as if the daily struggles need to be suppressed and that they make you weak. The never ending battle of being so down but you can't express the emotions that you feel. Cutting loved ones and friends out of your life to try and focus on yourself and your happiness, because you don't want to bring others down and affect their lives.

Being doubled over in pain 24/7, not being able to get out of bed - with the pains of burning yourself with a hot water bottle or heat pad is more bearable than going without - and dealing with those scars and surgery scars later. Painkillers not even making the slightest impact, so you go without just so you can carry on your day without being dosey. No-one even noticing or realising how much pain you're in on the daily. Yet nothing can be done.

Constant scans, tests, being poked and prodded on the weekly in and out of hospital, but still no answers? It becomes draining fighting and losing a never ending battle.

As a woman there is this subconscious societal pressure that you should be able to feel the joy of being able to reproduce and start a family. Or that you should WANT kids. The life of living with endometriosis, ovarian cysts and polystitic ovaries is something that you can not ever forget about. People saying that you can adopt, you can freeze your eggs, you don't want kids anyway, it's fine. But realistically it isn't the same. It isn't going to change the way you feel. It does not make you feel any more of a woman.

Infertility, medical conditions and abortion are struggles thousands of women have to over come everyday, for every single second of the day. The mental and physical pain take their toll. They change the way you act, the way you feel and the way you see the world.

You didn't ask to be that one out of a percentage. You didn't ask to feel this way.

Abortion is horrific. No one can prepare you for what your you're about to face, the pain you're about to feel, the emotions you're going to feel afterwards. The decision you make is yours and yours only. No one can interfere or change the way you feel. It is your body and your choice. How anyone can feel the need to vote for you on whether your abortion is valid to you or is correct is truly baffling.

During this pandemic this is something I've struggled with and I am trying to adapt and find ways to deal with feeling like this. No one can change the way you feel, you can only change yourself. Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone can see how much pain you're in.
With all this time to think and trying to plan what you want to do with your future, having recently graduated, it is tough. It is normal. You are not weak. You are not less of a woman.

You are human, just a slightly faulty one.